Country Dawn

Missing Sweet William

2011-09-11T12:16:00.000-04:00

Missing sweet William today...

Today and every day.

Sweet William

Written and sung by The Low Tide Drifters. Just for my William. Thank you Kate Downing and Nate Moore for remembering him in song.

Stillbirth of William George

2009-04-02T11:35:00.001-04:00

Had a midwife appt yesterday... and she couldn't find the heartbeat. I thought he'd felt less active, but I've been contracting a lot, prodromal labor, in pain, exhausted and distracted and it was hard to tell.

The hospital visit confirmed what I just somehow knew and had dreaded... our baby was gone. The ironic news was I was 6-7 cm and 85% effaced... those ctx really had done something.

He was born at 10:14 pm on April Fool's Day...some joke... a tiny 5lb 4oz - tiny like his sister was. Tiny and perfect. There was no sign of... anything. No knot in the cord, placenta was normal, he was normal, no infection, no fever, nothing in the bloodwork. No explanation.

At first I couldn't believe the universe would do this. My dad died in February... and we named him after both grandpas. We were going to surprise my mom with his name. And now this? Really? Could anything be more cruel?

The birth was thankfully fast - they gave me a tiny bit of pit, but I pushed him out pretty quickly. Although I've never had a more painful birth, in more ways than one. It was like my body didn't want to do it... it was all me. I had to make the conscious choice to birth him, and part of me just wanted to hold on...

The kids were there... not for the birth, we had a friend in the waiting room with them, but after... and we did get to hold him... the staff took pictures, and were very kind. Things are so different now than back in the days when they whisked the baby away and you never saw them...

The only thing I keep thinking is, "Why?" And there's just no answer and probably never will be.

I feel like I've stepped across some threshold into another world. The dark side of motherhood. We carry so much, when we carry life. We're carrying death with us all the time as well. I knew it on an intellectual level... every bit of anxiety or worry, everything I did or didn't do, questioning... but I had no idea what that felt like, not really... not until I stepped through this door and birthed my baby still.

And why do people say inevitably say all the wrong things? And why don't I care? I always winced, as an outsider, when someone said the "wrong thing" to someone who was grieving... as the one grieving, I can only look from outside myself at them and know they're trying to comfort themselves... they can't touch this pain... they try so hard, they want to understand, but the unimaginable is, truly... And when we're outside of it, we can sympathize, but I think we try not to picture it. I know I did. A good defense... there but by the grace of god go I... so sorry for your loss (and thank god it isn't me...)

And then it is you.

Last night, I didn't think anyone could possibly understand. But in the light of day, I know that even this pain has been born and survived by women, all of us connected. I'm truly humbled. As broken and destroyed as I feel, there is a small part of me buoyed knowing there are women who have been here, too.

Passed On

2009-02-12T10:57:00.005-05:00

They took the cpap mask off him this morning, and he was gone within the hour.

I never did make it to the hospital. I was going to go today, since the littles were back in school and while I'm still sick (actually, getting worse grr) oh well, I was going anyway after hubbie left for work this morning. But my mom called to tell me he'd passed. And I had to call the older kids, who didn't make it out yesterday, but were going to go today.

Really am glad it didn't linger on, for my mother's sake. She made a hard, hard decision. I'm really at peace with it, although my only regret, for his sake, was that he didn't get to see his last grandchild born. :(

Me and my dad in 1978 (yes, I know - gotta love the plaid 70's pants and glasses! lol)

DNR Orders

2009-02-11T11:31:00.002-05:00

My dad fell on Christmas morning on the ice and broke his foot. He's in his early 60's, diabetic, has PAD (peripheral artery disease), has had high blood pressure since he was in his 20's, is 80 lbs overweight, and has undergone both a corotid artery surgery and a quadruple bypass in the past ten years...

So, they did a surgery on his foot, put a plate in. And a day after he was home, he had what they thought was a stroke or a blood clot. This was three days ago. Things looked okay at first - he couldn't talk and had a hard time swallowing (they gave him one of those "suckie" things like dentists use for the saliva...) but he was lucid and alert, and could respond, nod or shake his head, when asked questions.

Now... however...

The doctor finally defined this incident as a "large stroke." (My mom said "massive" - I think it makes her feel better to say "massive" - but my sister and niece heard "large.") They want to put him on a breathing machine and a feeding tube now. But when he was lucid (two days ago) he said no machines, no tubes. (He's always said no machines, no tubes...)

But he's not lucid anymore - can't nod or blink anymore. He's deteriorating quickly. His lungs are full of fluid because he can't swallow. The usual dose of the meds to clear them - 20 units - they doubled to 40. It didn't work. They doubled that to 80 units. It didn't work. Which led my niece (an ICU nurse) to believe his kidneys weren't functioning even though the blood levels showed they were. Now they're talking about dialysis. They want to put in a tube to feed him (directly into the stomach, instead of through the nose, which they can only do for a week.) My sister, her husband and my niece all sat down with Mom and the ICU doc (I'm still sick, and so are the kids, so I can't go) and talked about all this, after which my mom signed a DNR and said no tubes.

My nephew is mad - he says we should put in all the tubes and let him heal and get better. But the docs are saying, because of his other conditions (diabetes, triglycerides, high blood pressure, previous surgeries, circulation issues) the meds they'd normally prescribe wouldn't work, and they have to go other routes. They say they don't know how much functionality he will be able to regain even if we do put him on the machines.

But the thing I keep coming back to is the not talking. He can't communicate. The only thing he lives for is communication, frankly, and I think he knew, when he couldn't talk, couldn't swallow, that his "life" was basically over. Honestly, I think he knew it last week when we talked before his foot surgery and he told me he wanted to hold out to see this baby. He mentioned that his heart doc had told him two months ago, she wanted to do some sort of surgery, going in through the groin, because things weren't "circulating properly." He refused, he told me, because he was afraid he'd die during the surgery, and he wanted to see the baby first. I think he knew he was going to go, one way or another, before then, and didn't want it to happen. His one regret maybe.

But I think he's clear, now that this has happened, or at least he was, when he could make that call, that he doesn't want to stick around anymore. That it's time.

He's right handed. His whole right side is shot. He can't write well with his right hand anyway (he's dyslexic and never learned to read or write past a 4th-5th grade level), let alone trying to re-learn with his left. He can't read to begin with, he's nearly functionally illiterate, even with his one good eye. He can't swallow, so he can't eat. (The man lives to eat!) He can't talk - and I mean, seriously, who could ever shut him up before? That's all he does is talk and argue and debate! And the only way he could use his beloved computer before the stroke was doing it voice-activated - because of his dyslexia and learning disablities. Now that he can't talk, he couldn't use it at all.

It seems to me that anything that might motivate him to keep going is pretty much gone, and he knows it. And he's just going to be really pissed off a few months down the road if we DO put him on machines against his wishes and he DOES recover some capacity and awareness. Like we want my mom having to take care of an incapacitated, pissed-off dad who can't communicate? What good does that do anyone? Ugh.

I told my mom I was fine with honoring his wishes. And that no one could make another call (i.e. putting him on machines) except her, but if she did, I would understand that, too. She said she didn't want to be alone - and I said it wasn't about being alone, because my sister and her husband would take her in in a heartbeat - it was about not having a partner, really about not having DAD. That was apparently the perfectly right or wrong thing to say, I guess, depending on your perspective, because then she had to go cry... which she said she hadn't really done yet. So I let her go do that.

I imagine his last days will be this week or next, if she doesn't make another decision than the one she's already made.

The Tooth Fairy's Ripping Me Off

2009-01-13T19:32:00.001-05:00

"Mom, I think I swallowed my tooth." So says my six year old son.

"Why do you think that?"

"One's coming in way back here, and I don't remember one falling out."

Ah. So I had to explain that, as we grow and our mouths get bigger, we grow molars, or "big teeth" back there to fill the space.

Dmitri was relieved to hear he hadn't swallowed a tooth and missed out on a chance to collect a dollar from the tooth fairy. Until he connected more of the dots...

"Hey!" He pouted. "I get a tooth, but I don't lose one? The tooth fairy's ripping me off!"

I didn't have the heart to tell him how the IRS works... :)

Christmas Card

2008-12-15T20:52:00.000-05:00

For those efriends who I don't have addresses for:

Visit to Santa

2008-11-28T17:08:00.000-05:00

The local hardware store had a visit from Santa, so I took the littles to see him. I figured it would be less crowded than the mall. Hm. Maybe... not!

The kids had fun coloring, though.

And getting their faces painted.

And writing letters to Santa (and coloring the back!) while they waited.

Until they finally got to see the "big guy."

I can't believe how big these two are getting! Not so little anymore! *sniff*

Bugmania!

2008-11-21T21:16:00.000-05:00

The museum had a cool insect display, so we decided to go.

Giant bugs!

And what was even cooler?

They moved!

The kids also got to go to a bug class. And see lots of different insects in cases.

(Some weren't in cases - I don't want to talk about the wolf spider that bit the handler and got away for a minute! Eek!

They made crafts too.

Totally fun!

Ambiguous News

2008-11-17T16:20:00.001-05:00

Finally, a good profile picture of the little guy!

Love how his little hand is curled up by his face...

Today was the "re-check" ultrasound, because he was in a funky position last time, and just a little too small for them to see everything they wanted, like the fingers, the toes, the four chambers of the heart, the spine...

The good news is, they found everything they needed this time, he's still a boy :D - and I got video. The bad news is, either the software or the USB cord isn't working to transfer it to the computer, so I can watch it, but you can't! Wahhh!

The ambiguous news... our little guy has a very teeny tiny slight curve in his spine. There's no evidence of spina bifida, or a neural tube defect or anything like that. His mobility isn't effected, and there are no other defects that they can find in the heart, brain, etc.

Of course, all the literature I can find on the Internet conflicts, and varies from: "We conclude that abnormal spinal curvature in the fetus is a significant finding, whether mild or severe" to "Spinal curves are relatively common in the general population. Most curvatures are mild to moderate, while only a small percentage severe enough to warrant treatment."

So reassuring.

Not.

I don't know if the OB is going to want follow-up ultrasounds but my guess is that he is. *sigh* What I hate is not knowing for sure. And I'm having flashbacks of my pregnancy with Blake, where they found his kidney "slightly enlarged" at sixteen weeks. The cascade of interventions that followed, including an ultrasound every four weeks after that, an amniocentesis at 38 weeks to check lung maturity, and an induction soon after... ugh. Just the thought of it makes me want to cry.

And of course, there was all the awful, painful testing afterward, to find out that nothing was wrong with him at all...

This is what happens, I guess, when you open Pandora's box.

The doc who came in said, "I can't guarantee anything, but this seems very slight, and there are no other indicators. My guess is that some day he'll get an x-ray and say, 'Hey, mom, did you know I have a slight curve in my spine?'"

We can hope, I suppose, but in the mean time, I'm hormonal...and except for that perfectly rounded string of pearls without a little dip in the middle, I don't know the difference between what's normal and isn't - and when you mention "spine" and "abnormality" in the same sentence, a pregnant woman has a tendency to panic...

So I'm trying not to look at this as bad news, but rather... ambiguous news. We don't really know. Could be something. Could be nothing.

Unfortunately, you can't shut Pandora's box. Once it's open, you just have to live with it.

Sometimes I think denial isn't such a bad thing after all.

Let's Talk About Sex

2008-11-06T16:43:00.000-05:00

The sex of our baby is......

(You did realize I was talking about that kind of sex, right? )

.
.
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A BOY!

I thought for sure we were having a girl. My pattern so far has been girl, boy, girl, boy... so I was in line for a girl. And we both wanted a boy, so that, of course, meant for sure it would be a girl...

But it's A BOY!

Now to go break Zoe's heart and tell her it's not a sister...

*sigh*

Oh, and I have to go back in ten days, because I'm 18w2d and they couldn't see as much as they wanted and baby was being VERY obstinate about position (he was breech and comfy and not moving thankyouverymuch!)

So more pictures and a video next time!

psst... did I mention? It's A BOY!

Things Overheard While Voting...

2008-11-04T11:49:00.000-05:00

Things I overheard this morning while voting:

"I love that Sarah Palin. She believes everything I do. I'm so lucky."

"I'm just voting the way God told me to vote."

"I saw on the TV this morning, there were long lines in Detroit already, before the polls even opened."
"Really? What color were they?"
"It was Detroit, what color do you THINK they were?"
"Jeez, are you sure it wasn't the welfare line?"

Wow. Me, I just stood in line with my lips zipped until I could get out of there. The kids are off school for 'voting day' so we were tag-team voting.

I got home and told Michael. He was still in the shower.

Sticking his wet head out, he exclaimed, "Are you making this up?"

Right.

Like I could make this stuff up!? Like I have to?

Go vote.

Who knows what you're going to overhear!?

Happy Halloween!

2008-10-31T20:23:00.001-04:00

Time to go trick or treating!

Look at all that candy!

I think Mom and Dad are going to have to help eat it all!

Pumpkin Carving

2008-10-30T11:44:00.000-04:00

Four big pumpkins this year (we love lots and lots of seeds to roast!)

Daddy always opens the pumpkins.

Time for carving, yet?

Nope, first we have to get all the "gunky" out.

And there's lots of "gunky!"

Then we get to make our faces.

Taking turns with the "safety knife."

Our final results!

Daddy's

Mommy's

Zoe's

Dmitri's

Halloween Fun

2008-10-25T19:53:00.000-04:00

The local hardware store had a free little Halloween thing, so we took the kids. Since their school forbids both masks and any "violent" costumes or weapons, neither of them will be able to wear their full costumes. *sigh*

Batgirl and Wolverine might as well get some use out of them before trick or treating!

Even if Wolverine is missing a tooth...

They had fun in the bounce house.

And playing in the fire truck.

Dmitri tried on the fireman's coat. It was a little big. :)

They entered the coloring contest.

Even Blake colored something.

Plus there was face painting.

Both of them got a bat.

And then we went home full of punch and cookies.

Zoe said, "Today was a fun day!"

One Vote

2008-10-13T08:49:00.001-04:00

I have been on a total news media lockdown all weekend. I spent all of last week (and the week before) glued to the news stations, watching election/economy coverage. And feeling sick. And just when I thought I couldn't feel any sicker... oh wait, yep. It gets worse.

Finally, I decided I just couldn't take it anymore, and turned off the TV. My final straw was the woman at the McCain rally, the one who called Obama an "Arab" (that implied, unspoken "dirty" just before it makes me wince, every time). They played it on the local news. On CNN. On MSNBC. On Fox. They played it...and played it...and played it.

And every single time I wanted to crawl under the covers. How embarrassing. What a sick and twisted thing the underbelly of America has become. Our shadow is huge, and yes, I wanted to ignore it, turn away, not see such a horrible, ugly thing on display for the entire world.

Thank God there are people out there willing to look at it, willing to face it, willing to hear it even aimed at themselves, and still move forward, turned toward the light of change.

Me, I like to hide. There are so many things I would rather not know. It feels overwhelming to acknowledge, and looks insurmountable on its face. I get overcome with a feeling of complete helplessness, powerlessness. What can I possibly do about it!?

But then our voter registrations came in the mail. We'd reapplied for them through the mail after we moved, and it had been several weeks. I was worried. What if we didn't get them in time? And there's always that creeping feeling/voice at the back of my head... maybe there really is a conspiracy to keep voters from the polls?

But now that I have this little piece of paper in my hand, I know that there is one thing I can do. It's a small thing, but it's a very important thing, perhaps the most important thing.

I can speak up. I can stand up and be counted and let my voice be heard. It's just one voice for change, but as Mahatma Ghandi once said: "You must be the change you wish to see in the world."

So I will take my little card and go to the little local high school, and I'll vote. And from my rural community, I'll watch our impending global collapse and the possibility of change from my television - a strange window to the rest of the world - and I'll read my Internet news, connected to a global community...

But I'll be thinking of the words of Mohandas Ghandi:

Men should do their actual living and working in communities small enough to permit of genuine self-government and the assumption of personal responsibilities, federated into larger units in such a way that the temptation to abuse great power should not arise.

Results

2008-10-09T12:01:00.000-04:00

We had an OB appt today and I finally got my official nuchal scan u/s results back - my risk of having a baby with Downs Syndrome went from 1 in 113 to 1 in 2241, and my risk of having a baby with trisomy 13/18 went from 1 in 201 to 1 in 4001.

Whew!

Also heard the heartbeat... the midwife couldn't find it last week, but we heard it galloping along just fine today. And we set up my anatomy ultrasound at 18 weeks - two weeks earlier than I expected.

I think we've decided to find out the gender. The kids are fighting over which they want - brother or sister - and I think getting the disappointment over now is better than waiting until the baby's actually here, kwim?

So we'll know what we're having in four more weeks...

Happy Birthday, Autumn

2008-10-08T14:35:00.000-04:00

Eighteen years ago today I was in labor with my first. Today, I'm pregnant with my fifth. A nice bookend to my childbearing years. :)

My first baby was a surprise. She was meant to be, and although the birth itself was less than ideal in my memory, I do remember looking at her and thinking how incredible and perfect she was. I'd never been so connected to another human being before as I was the moment she was put into my arms. All my hopes and dreams for this little girl - and we were so thrilled she was a girl! - were brought to fruition in that moment.

It wasn't long before we knew her laughter and her sweetness, and heard the bright, beautiful resonance of her voice. I couldn't imagine my life without her, and she's brought a great deal of joy and insight and contemplation and self-reflection to me in my life. She's always been her own person, done her own thing, from the time she was little, and I appreciate her independence and her strength.

I was a very young mother with her, and we made lots of mistakes along the way in raising her, I'm sure. Only hindsight is 20/20, and all we can do, as parents, is apologize for our human failures and look to the future. And there's no telling what the future can hold.

Today my first daugher is a bright, beautiful eighteen year old woman.

Happy Birthday, Autumn.

Secret Gender

2008-10-07T12:36:00.000-04:00

When I was a kid, I always hunted for and found my Christmas presents.

I've never been big on surprises. Most of the time, to me, surprises have been pretty disappointing. I like anticipation, but only when I know WHAT is coming. I like seeing the light at the end of a tunnel, and already knowing that it's not a train!

So the decision to keep the gender of this baby a surprise was a tough one for me. But my first was a surprise. My ex wanted a girl, and I did, too, and that's just what she was, but we didn't know until the moment she arrived. Granted, the OB announced it, and they whisked her away to the warming table to be suctioned, and I didn't see her for a while.

But it was a surprise.

We didn't want to know the sex of our second baby, either, but when the tech asked and I told her no, we didn't know to know, she mouthed the word, "Boy!" to the other tech... and Pandora's box was open.

So resisting the temptation with baby number three and four was just too difficult. And Michael wanted to know, too, so I figured, why not? People could buy us gender-specific things (and since it had been so long since I'd had a baby, I had no baby things left!) which they were begging to do...

But I was going to stick to my guns with this baby. It was going to be a surprise, no matter how tempting it was to find out at that twenty-week ultrasound. A nice bookend to my first pregnancy.

Now I'm re-thinking that, but it's not my curious-kitty instincts that are changing my mind. What I didn't count on were the other kids having very strong preferences for one gender or the other. Zoe wants a sister. She very adamantly wants a sister. And Dmitri wants a brother. And they are fighting about it constantly, which gender it is, and who's going to get what.

I'm trying to imagine the disappointment and resentment - inevitable, with one, if not the other - at the birth. That's gonna suck. It should be a joyful time, and I really don't want to have to console a first-grader because the baby isn't the gender they wanted. *sigh*

So, selfishly, I'm wondering if I should just find out now, and tell them so they can get the disappointment over with, and then get used to having either a brother or a sister? That way, there will be no big surprises for them at the birth. They'll already know if we're welcoming Luke or Lucy...

I suppose it makes the most sense. And hey, I love finding out secrets. I'm fourteen weeks today, so that ultrasound is six weeks away. I still have time to consider and think about it.

But I think I'm now leaning toward finding out.

Whew!

2008-10-05T12:07:00.002-04:00

I had no idea how much tension I was carrying around, thinking about actually planning a hospital birth.

I was actually considering it. I am older, after all. Plus, I've had two home births, so having a baby at home is not something I would be missing out on doing. And, of course, the big consideration, insurance pays for all of it if you go to a hospital...

*sigh*

I hate that money is an issue, but when you've got an insurance company willing to pay the full cost of your coverage on one hand, and you're looking at paying a midwife for a home birth out of pocket (a hell of a lot less than your insurance company would pay, granted - thousands of dollars less, which is a drop in the bucket for BCBS, but a huge chunk of change for ME!) on the other hand, it's a difficult decision to weigh.

And don't even get me started on the fact that we have to make this decision at all. Insurance should pay for midwives, period, wherever the birth takes place. You'd think insurance companies would jump at the chance to save the cash, but noooo... *shaking head*

So after my u/s appt. and my run-in with the u/s doc, I started calling midwives. I've been a doula and involved in the birth community since 2001, so you'd think it would be easy, but since we've moved an hour away from the hub of where I developed all my birth contacts, it really isn't. Midwives usually don't travel more than hour or so to a birth - and you can understand why, especially for a fifth-time mom. The chances of missing a birth are just too great!

I debated, I researched, I called other doulas, I talked to people about their experiences with the midwives who practice up here in the area, and the same name and practice kept coming up in a positive way over and over. The good news is the name was familiar to me as well. Years ago (back in 2001, actually) I did a Birthing From Within training class to become a childbirth educator, and this midwife and I had connected and had lunch together.

I didn't expect her to remember - but when I gave her a call, she actually did remember! We had a long talk, connected immediately like birth-junkies tend to do - she told me all about the birth she'd just come from, a tough breech with a tired mom - and it felt immediately comfortable and easy.

Whew.

So I invited her over for an "interview," and she answered all my questions quite satisfactorily. Yes, the bring oxygen, yes, they carry pitocin, their transfer rate is a very low 2%, they don't demand that you take any tests (gestational diabetes, GBS, etc) or do any newborn tests you don't want.

My only disappointment was they don't have their own water birth tub they bring - but they do know someone who rents one, so we're looking into it! I'm not sure yet if I want to. I've never done a water birth, and I really would love to, but since we're renting, I worry about the weight of the tub on the floor... can you imagine if something went wrong!? Eek!

But I'll cross that bridge when I get there...

Oh, and she also told us she does a great deal of Amish births out this way (Awesome! I love the Amish! :) ) and she invited us to an Amish dairy farm for a "field trip" in a few weeks, so the kids can milk a cow, and pet the chickens, and get some fresh milk. How cool!

By the end of the night, she was hired and had her doppler out looking for the heartbeat (baby was hiding, but I know he/she's fine... I've been feeling movement since 10 weeks with this one! I think it's a gymnast...) and showing the kids a model of a 12 week fetus they could hold in their hands. Awesome.

I literally breathed a sigh of relief that night when Michael and I were in bed, and he said the exact same thing I was thinking. "Well, that's a relief, isn't it?"

I couldn't believe how much. I hadn't realized I was holding my breath, bracing myself for dealing with the medical community. I could do that easily as a doula - but as a birthing mother? It would have made it SO much harder. (Makes you really understand one of the important roles doulas play, doesn't it?)

Now we'll be able to stay home and really relax and enjoy the birth (you know, as much as you can enjoy excruciating pain *grin* )

And two big bonuses: she comes to our house to do prenatals AND she actually charges less than rest of the midwives I talked to, even with her years and years of experience.

Could the universe have planned it any better?

Whew!

Climbing the Walls

2008-10-03T11:35:00.001-04:00

Not me.

The kids.

Literally.

Expired Eggs?

2008-09-26T11:44:00.001-04:00

So, when we went to the OB (yes, we went to an OB... *gasp* But only so I can get some tests done I want that insurance will pay for... ;) ) he made a comment about my eggs.

Granted, I said something first. I mentioned that I wanted the first trimester screen for Trisomy disorders (13, 18, Down's Syndrome, etc.) because at 38 (39 by the time this baby is born) my eggs are just a little past their expiration date.

He nodded and said, "I always tell my patients, you've had those eggs since you were born! Would you eat eggs that were 38 years old?"

Okay, first of all... dude, no one gets to make comments about my eggs but me. Got it? That's like a direct reference to a woman's age, which, at mine, just isn't cool. Secondly... who would EAT human eggs!? Like, what, they're some strange sort of caviar!? That brings up some twisted horror cannibalism thing I don't even want to think about... eww!

But I digress. The OB and I had a little discussion about birth, I refused a pelvic or pap (just had a pap back in January, I'm good, thanks!) and although the nurse looked at me like I had three heads and kept trying to get me to strip for her and put on the little paper dress (three times! She came back three times! lol) the doc was okay with my refusal.

The important this is he ordered my test and we went and saw the baby. Again. Looks more like a baby now than a blob, which was nice to see. But again, my knowledge of birth and all that "doctorin' stuff" irked someone.

The u/s results themselves came out fine... from everything I could discern. They didn't check a lot of the soft markers I thought they should have, but the nuchal space wasn't measuring abnormal, so that's good, and we did see a nasal bone.

If you don't know anything about the new first trimester screen for genetic issues, the ultrasound portion is called the "nuchal translucency scan." Basically, they're checking a space behind the baby's neck to see if it's swollen. They've discovered that a majority (1 in 4) babies with a trisomy disorder will have a swollen nuchal space. They also check other things - like the appearance of a nasal bone. Down's Syndrome babies often don't have one that appears between the 11-13th week (when they do this test) but you can normally see the nasal bone in babies without a trisomy disorder. There are other soft markers they look for (echogenic bowel, cysts in the brain, etc.) as well, and they also do a blood test to check both HCG and PAPPA in the mother's blood. They put it all together and give you a risk factor for giving birth to a child with a genetic disorder.

I probably wouldn't have even considered this test, if I didn't know how exponentially the odds go up of having a child with a trisomy disorder after the age of thirty-five. You can see, on this table, how the risks go up.

Age (years)	Frequency of Fetuses with Down Syndrome to Normal Fetuses at 16 weeks of pregnancy	Frequency of Live Births of Babies with Down Syndrome to Normal Births
15 - 19	----	1 / 1250
20 - 24	----	1 / 1400
25 - 29	----	1 / 1100
30 - 31	----	1 / 900
32	----	1 / 750
33	1 / 420	1 / 625
34	1 / 325	1 / 500
35	1 / 250	1 / 350
36	1 / 200	1 / 275
37	1 / 150	1 / 225
38	1 / 120	1 / 175
39	1 / 100	1 / 140
40	1 / 75	1 / 100
41	1 / 60	1 / 85
42	1 / 45	1 / 65
43	1 / 35	1 / 50
44	1 / 30	1 / 40
45 and older	1 / 20	1 / 25

So anyway, back to the actual ultrasound. The tech was having a hard time getting baby to move into the position she wanted, so she didn't take hardly any time at the end to take good pics because she was too frustrated.

(And although I wanted a video, and they told me on the phone they could do one, the tech told me, "Oh we will only tape once, so I'll do it now if you want, but this isn't a very long or interesting scan, you should probably wait for the 20 week one. GRRR. Okay, fine, then... figured I'd get pictures, that would suffice. *sigh*)

Anyway, she got so frustrated with baby's uncooperativeness that she even called the doc in to re-check what she'd measured. Then, of course, the doc decides to blame it on my weight... but when I asked if a transvag would be better, she said, "no."

And then the doc says, "You need to have an u/s every 5-6 weeks from now on to measure the baby's size." Huh? WTH? Why?

"It's hard to palpate a baby on someone your size, and we need to know how big baby will be for delivery."

Oh freakin' PLEASE! I've had two home births and two midwives who could palpate my babies JUST fine, thankyouverymuch. (I didn't say that... )

I DID say, "Isn't late u/s notoriously inaccurate for judging a baby's actual size?"

"Well, something is better than nothing."

FEH!

She was also really, really, really hard to get info out of. She didn't like that I was educated about the scan, that I knew terms like "echogenic bowel" and wanted to know if baby had one. She was very avoidant, and just kept giving me the equivalent of "don't worry your pretty head about it" again and again. GRRRR.

So I'll ask for copies of the test results from the doc in two weeks, when I see him, and I'm calling around to interview home birth midwives this week.

Guess I needed a kick in the butt to motivate me!

But here are two (albiet blurry) pictures of little Luke or Lucy:

Questions

2008-09-23T10:41:00.000-04:00

Questions Zoe has asked every day this week:

How big is the baby today?

Is the baby coming out today?

When's the baby coming again?

Can we tell if it's a boy or girl yet?

Questions Dmitri has asked every day this week:

Can I have another snack?

Why can't I take Pokemon cards to school?

Is it martial arts day yet? (They just started Tae Kwon Do last week)

Can I go outside and play?

The Rabbit Really Died!

2008-09-13T15:57:00.000-04:00

Okay, not really... but if we were back in the day, he would have! Now I just have a little plastic stick with some chemical paper reaction to say, "We're Pregnant!" Baby number five, due April 8, 2009, planning another home birth. This one will be an Aries... THAT should be fun! We were planning another Aquarian, but the universe had other plans.

We did see an OB, had an early ultrasound. That was new - I've never had one so early. There's actually a moving-around little baby in there! It's only about the size of a kumquat, apparently, although I swear I've felt it moving already!

Here's a "picture" of our little one:

If you can't tell, that round thing on the right is the head - the rest, kind of curling around on the left, is the body. (Baby's looking down). If you look close, you can see little arms and legs. We actually saw them waving around at us during the ultrasound!

We told the kids - Zoe is so excited she can hardly contain herself. We let her call and tell the grandparents. Dmitri got to tell them when the baby's coming. And he made it very clear that he wants a baby brother. Zoe wants a baby sister. So someone is gonna be disappointed... :x

We're still tossing around name variations, but we know, at least, what the baby will be called. If it's a girl: Lucy; and if it's a boy: Luke. We've got all sorts of variations and spellings, though, from Lucille, Lucia, Lucida or Lucienne for a girl to Lucas, Lucius, and Lukanos for a boy. And more...

He/she will be named after both of his/her maternal grandmothers (they were both named Lucille) and a very good friend of ours, Luke, who passed away a few years ago. As for middle names, we may just go all egotistical with Dawn and Michael, who knows? :)

NOW we just have to try and stick to our guns and NOT find out the sex beforehand. I already have grandmothers who want to buy clothes, who are clamoring to know! Eek! I don't know if I can sit in the ultrasound room, and have the tech find out, and NOT ask. At first, I really wanted it to be a surprise, but now Michael says he doesn't care if it's a surprise - he'd be fine with knowing or waiting.

Sheesh. Make my life difficult why don't ya?!

7:15 pm

2008-09-04T20:04:00.000-04:00

So it's 7:15 p.m. and in my bed, there's this:

In the livingroom, there's this:

I think 1st grade must be tough! ;)

Ode to Tomatoes

2008-09-03T12:19:00.000-04:00

I have a whole container FULL of tomatoes, and they're really starting to ripen up nicely!

Found this amazing poem by Pablo Neruda that I put on the refrigerator as we're trying to work our way through our yummy harvest.

The street
filled with tomatoes,
midday,
summer,
light is
halved
like
a
tomato,
its juice
runs
through the streets.
In December,
unabated,
the tomato
invades
the kitchen,
it enters at lunchtime,
takes
its ease
on countertops,
among glasses,
butter dishes,
blue saltcellars.
It sheds
its own light,
benign majesty.
Unfortunately, we must
murder it:
the knife
sinks
into living flesh,
red
viscera,
a cool
sun,
profound,
inexhaustible,
populates the salads
of Chile,
happily, it is wed
to the clear onion,
and to celebrate the union
we
pour
oil,
essential
child of the olive,
onto its halved hemispheres,
pepper
adds
its fragrance,
salt, its magnetism;
it is the wedding
of the day,
parsley
hoists
its flag,
potatoes
bubble vigorously,
the aroma
of the roast
knocks
at the door,
it’s time!
come on!
and, on
the table, at the midpoint
of summer,
the tomato,
star of earth,
recurrent
and fertile
star,
displays
its convolutions,
its canals,
its remarkable amplitude
and abundance,
no pit,
no husk,
no leaves or thorns,
the tomato offers
its gift
of fiery color
and cool completeness.

First Day of School 2008

2008-09-02T20:09:00.000-04:00

Here they are, waiting for the bus to come take them to first grade:

Yes, I'm the anal retentive mother who actually made name tags for each kid with their school name, bus numbers, teachers' names and room numbers. Hey, at least I didn't actually GO to the school on the first day this time!

The bus, thankfully, drops off and picks up right in front of the house. Yay! Makes life so much easier. They've got a short bus ride there and a loooooong bus ride home, so we'll see how they do. No incidents yesterday, and both of them came home with lots of stories about the playground and new friends.

Zoe said: "We're not doing math and hard stuff - we're doing fun stuff!" Ha. One the first day? Of course! :)

Dmitri said, "My teacher is very pretty and very nice!" Whew. Last year, his teacher was "very pretty and very mean." LOL

Now we'll just have to see how things go when they start doing the "hard stuff" and the teachers don't seem quite so nice anymore...

Shrinking?

2008-08-27T22:07:00.001-04:00

So Dmitri is getting a "jammie shirt" on... one of those really big kids shirts he inherited that we use as pajamas, along with a pull-up. He notices it doesn't even come to his knees anymore.

"Mom, how do shirts get smaller?"

"...um... they don't. You get bigger."

"Oh!"

Early Harvest

2008-08-25T19:52:00.000-04:00

If we'd stayed another month, we would have had a full harvest... Oh well. At least I know I can grow a garden!

Look at those tomatoes! Only half of them ripened by the time we had to harvest... anyone know how to make fried green ones? lol

Little baby cabbage - not even enough to make saurkraut!

Yummy broccoli!

And cherry tomatoes!

And pole beans...

And cucumbers...

The pumpkins were growing, but didn't get time enough to get big...

Neat to see what a pumpkin starts out as, though, isn't it?

Oh, well... there's always next year!

Moving!

2008-07-29T14:49:00.000-04:00

I've been holding my breath, waiting...but it's official now. We're moving!

More square footage, more bedrooms, closer to M's work, less land, 2 acres instead of 6, but I'm discovering that more land just equals more grass to mow!

We can still have our garden and our chickens and our bees, though. And the best news - cable Internet! WOOT!

The Rabbit Died (I Wish!)

2008-07-11T15:57:00.003-04:00

I've never liked the story of Peter Rabbit. We're supposed to be all sad and sorry for poor Peter, who was just looking for something to eat in Mr. McGregor's garden. And, of course, we know that the evil Mr. McGregor has previously shot and killed (and presumably eaten in a stew) Peter's father for getting into the garden.

But I've always leaned toward Mr. McGregor's side, and now I know why.

The rabbits ate my melons! (My organically grown very expensive melons, I might add!!)

BEFORE:

AFTER: (I planted some winter squash and pumpkins in their place - they're just sprouting)

Talk about evil! They did that in ONE night, and the next night, they ate all my beet tops! (Not to mention eating right through the twine I use to section off my squares!)

BEFORE (front row, closest to you):

LOOK how pretty they were!:

And now, AFTER Bugs n Company had their fill:

This is another box they've gotten into, chewed through the twine... although I don't know what they're eating, because I just planted these, spinach and lettuce... I think they just did it to say, "Hey, where's our food, lady?!"

I found a recipe for "rabbit tea" (which isn't made of rabbits, although the way I feel about fluffy bunnies right now, I'd be happy to drink them through a straw!) that's supposed to keep them from eating anymore. 2 TBSP cayenne pepper and 2 TBSP garlic powder, put into a coffee filter and secured, with 32 ounces of hot water, left overnight. Then you add a TBSP of dishsoap (to make it stick to the leaves of plants) and spray.

It didn't work. They'd eaten about half the beet tops when I sprayed it. The next day, they were all gone. Guess it just served to spice up their dinner! GRRR

Michael says he's getting a gun. I'm thinking...Good! :P

The pole beans are wrapping nicely around our wire though, kind of neat!

And the pumpkins I planted are growing gangbusters (I'm going to grow them over the side and see if it works!)

And my spinach is bolting in the heat (I need shade cloth!) but the bunnies don't seem to mind the bitter taste!

Well, at least the sunflowers are growing nicely.

Almost ready to flower!

And our tiger lilies (is that what these are?)

Are simply gorgeous.

Breathtaking!

Now I just have to figure out what's putting all the holes in my cabbages!

How Does My Garden Grow?

2008-06-23T12:38:00.002-04:00

It's definitely growing! You can even see it from a distance!

Michael just built a new box for my melon plants - it's brand new, I haven't even had time to put the squares in yet!

He got all the posts in for our vertical growers (some of which are getting big - those melons really need something to climb up soon!) and you can see the metal roll of fencing in the foreground he's going to attach to the posts. He also bought enough wood to build another box, so that's in the works as well.

Most of my plants are growing quite well.

Nice and neat in their little squares!

Those are pole beans in the back.

The cabbage is getting BIG! But I think it has a little mildew, and something is eating it! GRR. And there's one sad little broccoli plant there on the left...I'm not sure what happened to him...

But my spinach is gorgeous!

My cucumbers are coming up, and I've just planted a bunch more spinach and lettuce in front of it for a later harvest.

The pepper plants are starting to plump up nicely:

And I'm even growing celery! (although everyone says they're not going to eat it! lol)

Look at these gorgeous beets!

And these radishes will be the very first thing we harvest - look, you can already see them!

Gardening has proved to be quite an exciting endeavor!

I can't wait to eat it all - tomatoes, eggplant, cantaloupe, brussels sprouts... MMM!

Your WHAT?

2008-06-16T16:48:00.001-04:00

Zoe: "Mom, where's my diarrhea?"
Mom: "Your WHAT?"
Zoe: "My diarrhea! It was right here on the table!"
Mom: "Um... what do you think a diarrhea is?"
Zoe: "A book you write in that no one can look in!"
Mom: "Oh, you mean a DIARY!"

Hatched

2008-06-14T16:51:00.002-04:00

Our little robin eggs have hatched.

There were three eggs - I see two babies, but there could be three in there. One decided to hide his head between picture one and picture two!

Mama was fluffing up her feathers and clucking at me the whole time - but I didn't touch - although it was tempting!

They're soooooo darned cute!

Kindergarten Graduation

2008-06-10T22:23:00.002-04:00

Well, their first year of school is officially over.

They wrapped it up with a great big party. Lots of food!

And lots of playing.

And tons of games.

And today they graduated! Class of 2020.

*gulp*

Look, Ma, I gradimitated!

Gotta love the hats!

The teachers read three things about each kid as they came up - the thing they liked best this year, what they would do in first grade, and what they wanted to be when they grew up.

Lots of Nascar drivers and veterinarians!

My kids, though... LOL

ZOE
The best thing this year was: the zoo
In 1st grade, I will: be good
When I grow up I want to be: a princess

DMITRI
The best thing this year was: recess
In 1st grade, I will: learn more about spiders
When I grow up I want to be: amazing

Time for cookies!

Autumn's High School Graduation

2008-06-08T16:35:00.003-04:00

Autumn graduated from high school today.

Strange, to see the sea of red and white again, 20 years later... she graduated from the same high school I did! There are actually still teachers there who taught when I was in school! *eek*

Here she is, walking up to the stage.

Getting ready to get her diploma!

The big moment!

Say cheese!

Congratulations, Autumn!

Happy 7th Birthday Zoe!

2008-06-02T16:12:00.002-04:00

Seven! I can't believe it.

Our little five pound Zoe-bird has grown up to a tall, lanky seven year old princess!

Zoe wanted purple flowers on her cake:

And purple and yellow balloons:

She picked out a special balloon of her own:

She wanted a pinata, and choose a Bratz one:

And then got to beat the heck out of it!

All of her friends came and she got lots of presents:

Make a wish, Zoe!

The girls had a blast, putting on temporary tattoos and decorating their fairy hats, and everyone went home with balloons!

And of course, she had to have a cake at Grandma's too!
Chocolate this time - her request.

And she got the very thing she wanted for her birthday!

Happy Seventh Birthday, Zoe!

Babies

2008-05-22T15:58:00.004-04:00

Noticed a robin hanging around the house lately. Then I caught her flying away from the back door the minute I opened it.

I looked up and found this.

And these were in it!

Looks like we'll have baby birds soon!

Shirley Temple

2008-05-14T04:59:00.000-04:00

When I was little, my mom would put my hair in those sponge rollers at night and in the morning, I'd wake up looking like orphan Annie (my hair was practically orange when I was a kid.) Grandma gave Miss Zoe a pack of sponge rollers when we were over there for Mother's Day, and of course she insisted we try them out. So, after a bath, I rolled her all up. And warned her: "They aren't fun to sleep in!"

But she thought the results were worth it!

I thought she looked like Shirley Temple!

Her brother remarked, "How come girls always want the sort of hair they don't already have?"

"What do you mean?"

"Curly haired girls want straight hair, straight haired girls want curly hair. Why can't they be happy with the hair they already have?"

Ha. Good point. From a five-year-old, yet.

Beauty is confusing and painful, kid.

What can I say? :)

Gridlock

2008-05-13T17:17:00.004-04:00

We've got grids on the garden beds! I can see why creating the square foot grids are really going to help with planting. I'm glad we went through the work to do them.

It was a perfect day for it, not windy, about seventy degrees, and Dmitri and Zoe helped a lot!

We drilled holes, screwed in eyelets, and then threaded twine through the holes and tied it off. The eyelets were Michael's idea - so no one would scrape themselves on nails or screws. And they worked out brilliantly! He also gave me the idea to thread the twine through instead of tying each individual piece of twine off. I love being married to such a smart man. ;)

Turned out pretty good!

I can handle this sort of gridlock!

Tomorrow, we plant... weather permitting.

Business of the Month

2008-05-10T13:50:00.000-04:00

This yellow sign is found hanging on our little town's designated "Business of the Month." I think every business gets one chance a year to be the "Business of the Month," and it's pretty much done on a rotating basis... ;)

Drugged Popcorn

2008-05-09T05:50:00.000-04:00

This is an actual bag of popcorn my husband brought home, left for the psychiatrist at his work by the drug rep. Jeeeeeeeeeeeeeez. Now I've seen everything! Note the "Contains No Active Drug" written on the package.

The popcorn was good, though. :)

Robin's Egg Blue

2008-05-08T06:57:00.000-04:00

Dmitri came into the house cradling this the other day. Gives a solid definition to "robin's egg blue" doesn't it? There's still baby bird-gunk on it and everything! I put it away for him, so he can take it in for show and tell on his day. Very chagrined at first, Zoe went out determined to find her own. And look at that - she did!

Wordless Wednesday: SharkBunny

2008-05-07T00:01:00.001-04:00

Note the fuzzy feet. And the tiger paw.

My son's creation. :)

SEE MORE WORDLESS WEDNESDAYS HERE

We Have Garden Beds!

2008-05-06T05:36:00.000-04:00

I wanted six, and got seven! Yay!

That stump you see in the forefront is a little crabapple tree we cut down, so it wouldn't shade our growing veggies.

Look at all that rich soil just waiting for my transplants! It's Mel's Mix, 1/3 vermiculite, 1/3 peat moss and 1/3 compost. I just have to create the grids, harden off my babies and get them used to the outside, and start planting!

WOOT!

We still have to build the vertical frames for our tomatoes and cucumbers and pole beans... but one step closer!

Happy Birthday, Dad!

2008-05-05T12:07:00.003-04:00

My father is a Taurus – and he’s definitely as stubborn as a bull! Of course, I’m Aquarian, and just as stubborn, so perhaps it’s in the genes?

He’s also incredibly intuitive, with a very strong sense of justice (and injustice) both of which I got from him.

He was born in 1946, which makes him sixty-two today. He was named after his father, William Lee Ladd. My middle name comes from his (Sherilee … they couldn’t decide between Dawn and Sheri, and decided to combine them all!)

What I remember my father telling me about his childhood:

He had two older sisters who took up a great deal of his care-taking. He also had a younger brother who stole a lot of his thunder. The boys got into a lot of trouble together—including using their brand new Christmas air rifles to shoot the ornaments off the tree. His father worked in a factory, and died of brain cancer when my father was about twelve. My grandmother was a single mother for the rest of her life—she never remarried. My father had a lot of trouble in school. Nowadays, he’d be easily treatable as a dyslexic, given all sorts of accommodations, etc. But back then, he was just labeled stupid and was given looms and weaving to do. He didn’t finish much past the fifth grade, and still has problems reading and writing to this day.

My grandmother said the girls came to the house for my dad "in droves." He was sorta handsome, huh? He met my mother in his early twenties. She was nine years older, and since he believed he couldn’t have children, and she came with a ready-made family of two girls and a boy, it was a perfect match. I was a surprise – surprise! Their only biological child together. My father wanted a boy, but my mother says she was grateful I was a girl – because 1) he and I probably would have killed each other when I hit my teen years if I was a boy and 2) it gave my father the opportunity to see how the world is for girls and women.

I think both are probably true!

When I think about my father, I remember:

* The time he climbed into my crib when I was about three and told him, “You can’t come in here! You’re too big!”
* Making a snowman with him and using leftover brake light covers for eyes.
* Holding the flashlight when he was working on the car.
* He took my training wheels off and helped me learn to ride a two-wheeler
* He asked me what color I wanted to paint my room when I was five, and when I said, “Red, white and blue” he didn’t even flinch. My room was painted like an American flag, including stripes and stars.
* We joined a father/daughter bowling league – and I won most improved bowler (which wasn’t hard, when I started with a “9”… that’s not a typo. Nine pins, the whole first game.)
* He loved Elvis Presley and played 2001 The Space Odyssey soundtrack over and over. Later, it was Queen’s soundtrack from The Highlander.
* In spite of, or because of, his dyslexia, he valued education and never stopped reinforcing college – it was never a question that I was going to go. Which I did. I’m the first person in my family to attend college, let alone finish, and the only one with a Masters degree.
* When I doubted the existence of Santa Claus, he had his friend, Bob, play Santa for me – the on CB radio.
* He bought me my first car - $400 for a rusty 1968 Signet – and spent the summer repairing it when it broke down. And it broke down a lot.
* He initiated the idea of putting up all of the Christmas decorations on Christmas Eve, while I was sleeping. So I went to bed with nothing Christmas-y around, and woke up to the magic of not only the decoration and the tree, but presents, too!

My father and I - 1978ish.

My mother and father 2007

My Father Christmas 2007
HAPPY BIRTHDAY, DAD!

Letter to the NY Times

2008-05-01T08:45:00.002-04:00

This lawsuit inspired the following letter to the NY Times from Michael:

Stefanie,

I read your article of 4-29-08 about Sandra Madero online. I'm a father of 2 biological children.

I didn't know Elizabeth Arden Red Door Spas were in the birth control business. I was outraged when I read your story. How could anyone continue to patronize a company who caters to women when the company treats a pregnant woman employee the way they did? You'd think it would give them the great marketing idea of developing a spa program, or line of spa home products, for pregnant women. But, no, a pregnant employee gave them the idea that the very essence for their existence - women - are to be abused and denigrated when they become pregnant.

I have already returned the Elizabeth Arden products that I bought my wife, mother and mother-in-law for Mother's Day. And I am encouraging all I know to do the same and to not buy from Elizabeth Arden. I will make certain that my wife spreads your article far and wide throughout her mothering groups, forums and blogs and our parenting and birth communities, groups, forums and blogs.

Eager to Transplant

2008-04-23T13:05:00.000-04:00

My poor blog is as neglected as my little seedlings are lavished with love and attention! :)

We still don't have our boxes built for square foot gardening (I know, we're so behind!) and no chicken coop yet, either. We're waiting for our tax return, and it's been over a month, but still - nada. I hear it's taking longer this year, because of the rebates...

But I feel like the guy in the commercial, "It's my money and I WANT IT NOW!"

In the meantime, I'm doing what I can for my babies inside under the lights.

Tomatoes:

Sunflowers:

Peppers:

Onions:

Celery:

Cabbage:

Lettuce:

Brussels Sprouts:

Herbs:

Nasturtiums (flowers):

Mint:

They're like little monsters, outgrowing their homes! (well except the mint, which just sprouted - but I hear mint gets very aggressive and invasive once it starts growing!)

Hurry, Mr. Taxman, I need a garden to plant these in before they take over the house!

I had a wonderful gift from a friend, who gave me lots of perennials to plant, so I've been doing that for the past two days. I'll get pictures soon... probably. Funny how little time I want to spend at the computer when it's so gorgeous outside! :)

Letter to the Principal

2008-04-22T16:24:00.003-04:00

Dear Ms. Xxxxxxx,

Overall, our experience with school for the kids has been good. They're progressing appropriately, and we see that the kids' teachers do very well, considering the failing national educational system we provide educators as a tool, but we do have a couple of concerns about issues not related to school performance.

1. The first concern involves Zoe and a school bus driver, Ms. S..., of Bus XX.

Zoe has been in trouble on her morning bus on more than one occasion (she seems to have far less trouble with the driver of the afternoon bus). I'm sure she breaks the rules sometimes, and should receive consequences that match her behavior and age. My concern here is that she reported to us that the bus driver told her, "Zoe, you're not good with people, so you have to sit up front." Dmitrios confirmed hearing this. Both Zoe and Dmitrios also have reported on many occasions that Ms. S... continually threatens Zoe, and other children, with bus tickets.

Whether Ms. S... used those exact words or not, Zoe has been emotionally and psychologically hurt by the bus driver's message. Giving the message to a little girl that she's "not good with people" and will be punished because of it is unacceptable and inappropriate.

As you know (and as anyone involved in the education of children should know, including school bus drivers) identity and self-esteem are in crucial stages of formation and development in the elementary grades. Zoe was very scared and ashamed to tell me what the bus driver said to her and she was crying because she didn't want to tell us that an adult authority figure believed and told her she was in some way a bad or flawed person.

Zoe, and any child at her age, trusts adult authority figures and will take what they say to heart. On school busses and in classrooms Zoe's curiosity and desire for social engagement may be inappropriate at times, but they should not be devalued and labeled as inherently bad or wrong.

Girls in our society have enough pressures to be something other than what they are without the added pressure of assaults on their identity and character in our education system. Order on the bus or in school should not come at the cost of any child's sense of identity and self-esteem.

While I'm certain that driving a bus load of children is a challenge on the best days, making threats and using inconsistent follow-through are two of the more ineffective ways to keep the chaos and disorder at realistic, manageable and safe levels when children are grouped in numbers and forced into spaces and situations, such as school busses and classrooms, that are counter to learning and healthy childhood development.

As a matter of fact, inappropriate and unclear expectations and consequences, coupled with inconsistent follow-through, is a disastrous combination for us and our children at all levels, parental, educational, social, legal and cultural. Seat belts on school busses would be a far better preventative solution and consistent message about safety and behavioral expectations on school busses for our children, but we have obviously chosen to put money (the cost of seat belts on busses) before children in our society, so we all have to live with the consequences.

The third Bus Conduct Report we've received regarding Zoe and her behavior on Ms. S...'s bus reports Violation of Safety Procedures, Excessive Mischief and Rude/Discourteous/Annoying, with OTHER COMMENTS: "Zoe horsing with R.A. this morning even when asked to stop many times. They were playing around taking hats off each other and causing a big disturbance while I was driving."

Zoe tells me that Mr. R.A. is older than her and often "picks on" her. This would suggest that an effective solution to the problem, instead of multiple verbal warnings that allow the problem to continue, might be to make sure that Mr. R.A. and Zoe not be allowed to sit near each other.

The evidence strongly suggests that Ms. S... has a personality conflict with Zoe. My own and my wife's experiences support such evidence. On numerous occasions we have suggested to Ms. S... that she let us know if there's a problem and we would address it. Not only has Ms. S... not reported to us that there is a problem, she has been Rude/Discourteous/Annoying to us in her lack of verbal response to our inquiries and her angry affect and mood directed at us. I don't think Ms. S... would fare much better than Zoe if Zoe were able to give Bus Driver Conduct Reports.

We have no problem with Zoe continuing on the same morning bus, nor would we have a problem putting her on a different bus. We will continue to give her the message that she must follow the rules on whatever bus she rides, whether she likes or agrees with them or not, but we will also be paying attention to the messages she receives, verbal and non-verbal, and we will let you know if we continue to see the same patterns and have the same concerns.

Please let us know how you intend to address the concern. It would also be congruent with the mantra of parental involvement that we be notified of Zoe's behaviors prior to us receiving a Bus Conduct Report via mail, and it would be sensible for the adults to confer together to resolve issues as good modeling for the sake of the children who will be leading and managing this society when we're too old to do so.

2. Another concern we have is that Dmitrios is getting the message that it is ok for others to push, hit, kick and bully him as long as they don't get caught, that he is not allowed to use force to defend himself, that he must tell a teacher or other authority figure at the school, and that when he does so the message he receives is, "If I didn't see it happen I can't do anything about it."

Dmitrios has reported on several occasions that "older boys" have pushed him down, shoved his face in the snow repeatedly, and hit and kicked him repeatedly, and that the issue was not addressed when he told a teacher or other school authority. Dmitrios is not a consistent target or victim of physical threats, aggression or bullying, but he has said on more than one occasion, "I don't want to get in trouble for fighting because my teacher told me I have to get hit 10 times before I can fight back, but I don't like being hit by the bigger kids."

Of course, we understand that the school does not think its ok for one child to initiate hurting another child, yet a Zero Tolerance policy effectively castrates all of us - children, educators, parents - by not allowing our children to learn in school that force is a last resort, but if necessary, needs to be employed wisely and effectively. We teach Dmitrios (and Zoe) to work towards compromise, that force is a last resort and that it can and should be avoided through verbal conflict resolution. We further teach our children that if they have to use force they should do so only to escape and prevent the perpetration of further aggression and violence on him/her and/or others.

We will not have our children believe it is ok for anyone to incidentally, continually, consistently and/or persistently threaten their safety or invade their physical boundaries. We will continue to teach them and give them the message (after reinforcing the difference between aggression and accidents that happen during physical play) that they should: 1st, walk away from the aggression and tell a teacher or other school authority; 2nd, if the aggression continues, they should attempt to compromise and work it out with the aggressor; 3rd, if the aggression pattern continues further they should verbally assert their physical boundaries by yelling “STOP” or “NO”; 4th, if the aggression pattern continues, they should fight back as hard as they can using physical force if they are being physically hurt and threatened, and then remove themselves from the situation and get help from a trusted adult as quickly as possible. My child's sense of self-esteem and safety are worth far more than the risk of suspension or expulsion from school, although it is wrong that such a choice is forced on parents.

If martial arts were mandated as part of our national curriculum our children would be taught non-violent conflict resolution skills, violence and aggression as a last resort, wise and efficient use of force, and the importance and practice of physical and mental discipline, fitness and health.

Zero Tolerance negates the learning of effective assertiveness while creating an atmosphere and environment in which aggression and violence are not appropriately addressed and The Law of the Jungle becomes the covert but primary message. The evidence shows that aggression and violence in schools have escalated despite Zero Tolerance policies. As we all learn in the kitchen and in cutting our lawns, a dull and neglected blade is far more dangerous and ineffective than a sharp and properly maintained blade.

Not only is a Zero Tolerance policy an ineffective way to establish and maintain a safe and realistically ordered learning environment, it is also counter to our personal, parental, and family beliefs and values and sets up an unnecessary and counterproductive conflict between us and the school, and between most parents and most schools, and can leave Dmitrios, and other children, in a state of uncertainty, distrust and confusion about their worth and safety.

Dmitrios should not fear punishment for using force to clearly set his boundaries with other children or people when they are threatening or physically invading his boundaries, and he should not have to deal with mixed messages between his parents and school authorities while at school.

It is interesting that our national position on school aggression, violence and bullying is so blatantly incongruent with our national position on how far out of the way we can send our military to kill others who have successfully killed some of in a vain attempt to prevent those others from killing any more of us, while at the same time we practice not physically defending defenseless people who are being killed at the genocidal level in places that don't have anything coveted by us. It is also interesting that both extremes, our tyrannical national position and our Zero Tolerance educational position, lead uselessly to even more ineffective and unnecessary violence and aggression.

Aggression and violence are part of life, and they will always be so, and it is a great disservice to our children to give them the message that they are incapable of being responsible for their own safety and the safety of others. It is a great disservice to effectively castrate our children and force them into victim mentality and behaviors.

Actually, Dmitrios handles these mixed messages very well. He's a very caring, kind and earnest boy. He's concerned with doing what's good and helpful. He asks us about these inconsistencies because he sees that they don't make sense and because he feels he's being told something different than what he knows is best. He has a good sense of self-worth and he knows that the underlying, if perhaps unintentional or misguided, message of the school is that rules and authority are more important than his safety, that he's incapable of judging when to use force, and that, if he does use force to stop someone from hurting him or someone else, the reason for his use of force was irrelevant and he is no different than those initiating aggression and violence. He knows, in his own 5-yr-old way, that he is being put in an inappropriate and unacceptable position.

This relatively minor, but important concern we have about our son, Dmitrios, is simply a reflection of the cultural message we are giving our children through our educational institutions, particularly to our boys, about their natural, good and valuable instinct for, and love of, survival, competition, and the importance and value of fighting for what's good and right individually and collectively.

We are raising generations full of more and more dull, neglected blades that are dangerous to themselves, our culture and the world. If we don't teach our boys how to temper their aggression into the capacity for assertiveness, physical and otherwise, in the service of what is good and life-affirming for themselves and the rest of us, they will continue to feel shame about their innate and valuable survival and competition instinct, conceal their weapons and go off half-cocked, trigger-happy and feeling powerless and castrated into a world that they see primarily as threatening and opposing to them. Culturally, we act shocked at the violence of our male youth, yet we are responsible for giving them little other choice. One definition of insanity doing the same thing over and over again while expecting a different outcome.

We can see the results of this all around us in child and adolescent behavior: gangs, substance abuse, risky and abusive sex, teenage pregnancy, and the list goes on... And we can see what happens in our country (and world) when we allow adult males who see the world as an unsupervised playground through immature adolescent glasses that is either to be dominated or feared to lead us. The instinct that is expressed as destruction, aggression and violence in the world is the same instinct that protects and serves life.

As a master's level psychologist and psychotherapist working in this community I see the results in of this cultural and Zero Tolerance school problem in most, if not all, of the boys and male adolescents referred from schools or from the legal system into my services. I see the underlying identity and self-esteem wounds that our cultural messages cause boys. I see the pain, violence, defiance, anger, resentment, depression and destructiveness to self and others that is a result of the messages we give our boys. These messages should not be tolerated in our schools, yet we continue to perpetrate the very violence on our boys that we attempt to force out of them with our Zero Tolerance practices.

It would be wrong of me to allow my son to experience his father passively allowing him to be castrated, and it would be wrong of me to allow my daughter to experience her father in passive collusion with the perpetuation of a world filled with and lead by violent tyrannical mostly-male leaders.

If the cultural points I make seem out of proportion to the concerns we have for our individual children in one elementary school then it’s important to remember that, after the home, the schools are where our children spend the most time, and where they receive their earliest societal and cultural messages, and the schools are a reflection of our best cultural thinking and values on many levels besides education. That should frighten us all.

We are members of a growing group of parents who can no longer, in good conscience, allow our educational system and institutions to be the primary educators of our children. We have chosen to use school as a supplement to home education and we know that we do not have to depend on schools to educate our children. We also know that the institution and system are not necessarily a reflection on or of the talented and dedicated educators attempting to work within it. It seems to me you folks are losing the war through attrition and friendly fire.

Thank you for receiving our concerns.

Sincerely,

Michael & Dawn Mantas

Blooming Where You're Planted

2008-04-02T18:26:00.004-04:00

I finally got around to planting. (I know, I know! I'm sooooo late!)

The littles loved getting their hands dirty, but they didn't have much patience with the tiny seeds. But it was totally fun recognizing seeds we often eat - like cucumber and tomatoes. It was also quite amazing to see broccoli, cauliflower and onion seeds - I'd never seen them before!

I know, how out of touch are we with our own food, right?

Opening each seed packet was like Christmas - what would we find inside?

I followed all the varied instructions while Michael hung my "planting light" over a table in the laundry room. It's a south-facing room (makes it nice and warm, with lots of sun - which the elder bugs love. *shudder* I hate those things, they crawl all over the inside of my laundry room windows!)

Zoe helped me plant, Dmitri helped Daddy "build stuff" and in the end, this is what we had:

How exciting! That was Sunday, and now, three days later, we have babies!

I put a heating pad under my peppers (these are peppers - and in case you were wondering, those are tacks. I didn't have labels, so I color-coded everything!) and it seems the heat was just right, and they've started to germinate.

This whole seed-dirt-water-light thing... it actually works!

Who knew!?

My Coke Rewards Update!

2008-03-29T07:06:00.000-04:00

We now have 1520 points!

Only 5730 more to go before we can get the video camera!

If you drink Coke and don't use the points, please enter the codes on the sidebar - you can put in up to five at a time.

Thanks for helping us out, and keep those codes coming!

Fish Swish Part Deux

2008-03-29T06:24:00.000-04:00

Another moment of silence...

.

.

.

"Fish" the fish has passed on to fish-heaven.

A few words, flush, swish.

We are now fishless.

At least they lasted longer than the Stag Beetle!

Big Brother Scanners

2008-03-28T06:26:00.000-04:00

Every day, Michael plays James Bond, 007.

He goes in and presses his hand to a scanner that identifies him by a percentage. It records the time he arrives. When he leaves, he does it again, and it records the time he goes home.

He thinks it's a cool toy, a great game.

I think it's creepy. And lots of people agree with me.

Is it excessive?

I understand that it makes payroll much easier. I did payroll by hand for a company once, and it was the biggest pain in my a** and the thing I hated most about the job (aside from my boss!) But can't we just use key-cards or something?

What's next? Why don't we just put barcode tattoos on the backs of our necks, or maybe they'd like us to give a drop of blood every time we go into work?

It might be "fun" now... but it feels like a creepy slippery slope to me.

Thursday Thirteen #24: 13 Aces

2008-03-27T01:01:00.003-04:00

13 Aces

1. Ace Hardware

2. Ace of Cakes

3. Ace bandage

4. Ace Ventura: Pet Detective

5. The Flying Ace (Red Baron)

6. Ace Frehley

7. Ace Young

8. Smokin' Aces

9. Ace in the hole

10. Ace of Bass

11. ACES (Adoption Coalition for Education and Support)
12. ACES (Applied Credits for Environmental Sustainability)
13. Mysp ACE

SEE MORE THURSDAY THIRTEENS HERE!

Wordless Wednesday: March 26, 2008

2008-03-26T00:01:00.002-04:00

See more Wordless Wednesdays here!

Six Year Old Kisses & Underwear

2008-03-24T05:59:00.002-04:00

Stop.

The.

Insanity.

A school suspended a six year old for kissing a second grader on the bus.

Yeah. Okay. This whole "zero tolerance" thing has gone way beyond any sort of common sense.

Just a few weeks ago, Zoe had an accident at school. They didn't call me - instead they just put a note in her backpack, changed her into the school's "spare" size 6X set of pants and underwear, and asked me to wash and return them in the note. Which was fine.

Except Zoe was going through her backpack on the bus and her underwear fell out. The bus driver found them, and she made a big deal of coming out to talk to me about it. When Zoe explained she'd had an accident in school, the bus driver backed down and said, "Oh, she didn't tell me that."

Did she think Zoe was flashing the other kids? What?

It just seems to me that the first reaction nowadays from schools (and anyone involved with schools) is an overreaction. Instead of using their heads, they let their fear lead them. A six year old kisses a second grader, a pair of underwear is found on the bus, and all of a sudden bells and whistles are going off? I understand being a mandatory reporter, and of course, if you discover real abuse, you should do something.

But something like this? Come on...

Life is complicated enough for adults, never mind the kids, without adding this sort of suspicion and stress. And when the adults in their world suddenly become wary of everything... it definitely makes things pretty confusing and bewildering for a six-year-old.

The Traditional Easter ATV

2008-03-23T09:23:00.000-04:00

We had all the traditional stuff this year for Easter...

The baskets...

The sidewalk chalk...

The hunting for eggs...

The ATVS...

What, you didn't know ATV's were part of the Easter tradition?

Thanks, Grandma! :)

Health Care

2008-03-22T16:59:00.000-04:00

This whole health care thing is absolutely ridiculous. How is your basic health not considered an inalienable right? In spite of his bias, Michael Moore presents an interesting argument in Sicko - free, universal health care for all; insurance companies abolished, and pharmaceutical companies strictly regulated.

That would be a government worth paying taxes to, frankly. The thought that our hard-earned money went to buy $5000 government hammers? Let me just say, I have an idea of what to do with that hammer...

The littles brought home a nice surprise from school for Easter - strep throat! They got low-grade fevers and a cough, but me? I got strep. Thanks, school! So within two days, I was shivering under the covers and begging Michael to kill me. Just kill me now! I'd rather do labor again - four times! - than have strep throat.

And of course, this is two weeks before our insurance kicks in at Michael's new job. Isn't that nice? So I had to call our little local town doc and make an appointment. They got me in right away, thankfully. She decided not to do a throat culture (if it walks like a duck, and quacks like duck... hell, I could have told you that, and I didn't have to spend eight years in medical school!)

That little office visit? $88.00 Granted, back in the suburbs, it probably would have been $120. What a bargain we got, right? They let me pay $20 on it, and now I have a balance I have to pay...

Then, there was the prescription. I asked her to write something cheap, and she did. When I called our little local pharmacy to check the price, they asked, "You mean your price, without insurance?" Right. Because, of course, there's a vast difference between what they charge me and what they charge Blue Cross. Their price to Blue Cross or HAP would have been double - maybe more. But for me, it was $12.95.

So now I'm mending. Antibiotics really are wonderful things. How in the world did people ever live with things like strep throat in the past? Infections that just grew worse and worse... the pain is incredible. The fever is completely debilitating, and makes every bone in your body ache. I can't even imagine not having some sort of treatment for something so awful.

But it happened then, and it still happens now. People literally can't afford to go to the doctor to get a prescription for the medication they need. And this is just basic health care. This doesn't even touch the biggies, like cancer!

What is wrong with this country!?

I Object!

2008-03-21T14:09:00.002-04:00

They're going to write a "prequel" to Anne of Green Gables. Come ON, people! This never works, you know. The sequel to Gone with the Wind? Sucked! And the V.C. Andrews books were never the same after the old lady kicked it.

I object! Leave Anne alone!

Another objection today - people whose minds are in the gutter. A woman called a local news outlet because her daughter's bendy straws "looked like something"...

What do you think?

Are we playing straw Rorshach? Bells, perhaps? A ten gallon hat?

Why hasn't anyone complained about the Arby's commercials, then, huh?

Fish Swish

2008-03-20T17:25:00.000-04:00

We now observe a moment of silence...

.

.

.

Stefanie (the fish) is dead.

We said a few words.

We cried a few tears.

We flushed.

The great circle of life goes on...

Wordless Wednesday: March 18, 2008

2008-03-19T00:01:00.000-04:00

More Wordless Wednesdays HERE!

Lifestyle Choices

2008-03-18T04:53:00.001-04:00

Sometimes I think women are going to "choice" themselves to death.

Literally.

Look, I'm all for equal pay for equal work, no more glass ceilings, a woman's right to choose, a woman in the white house, etc.

But when it comes to feminists trying to flip the patriarchy on its head, denouncing everything that is feminINE about being a woman (did they forget the "femi" part of the equation here?) I just have to draw some sort of line.

Men and women are different. Women have different biological functions and cutting those off entirely it a bad idea - biologically alone, let alone what it does psychologically to women and to the culture.

The feminist idea of demanding things be more "equal" can often get twisted into something truly bad for womenkind.

Women actually campaigned for the right to have pain-free childbirths (based on the Biblical idea that pain during birth was Eve's "punishment" for taking that apple) and what did they get? Scopalomine - "twilight sleep" - where women (and subsequently babies) were drugged up so much that laboring women had to be strapped down and blindfolded so they wouldn't hurt themselves or someone else, and babies had to be delivered by forceps and nurses exerting incredible force via a woman's abdomen.

Better for women? I just don't think so.

Women demanded birth control - and it showed up in the 60's in the form of "the pill." The dangers of tampering with your hormones over time have been proven in cancer studies again and again. Yet we still offer this little convenience (and have yet to develop one for men, you'll note) along with all the hormone replacement therapy we give women to "control" their menopause symptoms (also now being proven to cause cancer in studies). And an added bonus... those hormones are now showing up in our water systems...

Better for women? I don't know...

Women also wanted to be able to "forget" about that monthly inconvenience of having a period. Pads were improved. Tampons were introduced. (Nevermind that the toxic substances in them are harmful and they are filling our oceans with plastic applicators...) Now women want to be able to only have one period every quarter - like that annoying quarterly report you have to compile for work. Just business, right? Except, as the dangers of the pill and hormone replacement therapy above have shown... altering your body's natural cycles doesn't come without a price.

Good for women? Ya think?

I don't see being female or everything that comes with it - menstruation, giving birth, menopause - as an "inconvenience." It's part of who I am, and in fact, the differences between men and women should be stressed more and women should be given consideration for being women. Instead, we have a culture that keeps trying to make women into men - denying their basic biological functions instead of celebrating and honoring them.

Instead of women demanding elective cesareans because they've been so brainwashed into believing childbirth is too painful to be borne by a culture obsessed with painless existence (can you say Prozac?) women should be demanding the right to the higher standard of care (proven in evidence-based studies) given by midwives in whatever setting they choose.

And what about giving extended paid maternity leave, more sick time for women with children, offering mainstream natural alternatives to the pill, hormone replacement therapy, tampons, etc. There are too many women out there who do what their mothers did, or their sisters or friends do, because they don't know there are alternatives that would be better for them, their environment, and their children.

Feminists say we've come a long way, baby... well, maybe. But for my money, I'll acknowledge that distance when, instead of denying their basic femininity and demanding "relief" from their monthly menstrual cycles, women start demanding three days off every month during their period.

Nobody Promised You...

2008-03-17T16:32:00.003-04:00

We had to buy propane. Again. For the third time this winter. Buying this stuff in bulk is killing our budget. *sigh*

Whose idea was it again, to build our houses out of sticks and heat them with non-renewable energy sources? Because if I had the guy in front of me right now, I'd hit him so hard his grandchildren would feel it.

I keep telling myself, spring is almost here... almost here! The snow is finally melting, and I've got lots and lots of seeds ready for the garden. I'm starting some of them indoors this week so I can transplant them later (Michael is hanging up a full spectrum light in the laundry room over a table so I can start planting inside) and we're looking into square foot gardening. A friend sent me the book, which I think is a brilliant idea.

So M's got to build a chicken coop, bee hives, and raised beds for the garden... as soon as the ground unfreezes. While working 40+ hours a week. Eek!

A few weeks ago, he actually had a 60 hour work week... and got paid for 40. Nice, huh? He started out real slow, they gave him a few intakes, a few cases... then one of their employees went on medical leave and they dropped 70 clients in his lap at once. Which would have been bad enough. But then they had an audit (meaning, all the charts had to be updated before then, or they wouldn't get paid) coming up the following Monday!

And since this person who left on medical leave was already not feeling well before they left, the charts were all an absolute mess. So M was left to clean it all up, on a system he was just learning to begin with, and spent sixty hours of his time doing that (plus all his own work) and even went in on a SUNDAY. Just typing that sets my teeth on edge. GRR.

Another lesson in "Who said life was fair?" I suppose. Nobody promised me a rose garden, I know... but hey... a few roses now and again? That would be nice!

Something Fishy

2008-03-01T21:52:00.003-05:00

I started organic gardening lessons, I purchased more seeds and gardening supplies, we're ordering our bees and chickens this week... spring is on the way!

We took the littles to the school winter carnival (we still have six inches of snow on the ground... but I'm thinking spring anyway!) and they won two goldfish.

Stefanie (that's Zoe's - that's the big one) and Fish (that's Dmitri's, the little one). We had to improvise a fish bowl, since we didn't have one - and who knew Walgreen's sold fish food!? Boo-yah!

p.s. We're still saving up our Coke Rewards points for a video camera. Thanks to the eight of you who donated codes! Keep them coming, please! Our total Coke points total is now 1163! Only 6,087 to go!

Thursday Thirteen #23: 13 Jacks

2008-02-28T00:01:00.000-05:00

13 Jacks

1. Jack Russell Terriers

2. Jack Tripper

3. Jack Frost

4. Jack and Jill

5. Blackjack

6. Jack Daniels

7. Jack Johnson

8. Crackerjack

9. Jack the Ripper

10. Jack Nicholson

11. Jack and the Beanstalk

12. Jackalope

13. Jack Sparrow

SEE MORE THURSDAY THIRTEENS HERE

Wordless Wednesday: February 27, 2008

2008-02-27T00:48:00.002-05:00

Wordless Wednesday: February 20, 2008

2008-02-19T18:22:00.002-05:00

MORE WORDLESS WEDNESDAYS HERE

A Pox Upon Our House!

2008-02-19T12:41:00.005-05:00

We've got it. Finally, we've got it!

The chickenpox had arrived!

*doing the Snoopy dance*

Yes, I'm actually excited. I missed the few "pox parties" my mommy group had a couple years ago and I was worried the littles would get out of childhood without the pox. Which is just not good news. And yes, if you haven't guessed, we don't vaccinate for chickenpox. We actually don't vaccinate for anything, but if we did, the varicella vaccination would definitely not be on the list.

The uber-scary tactics of Merck (the vaccine developer) with their sinister commercial rubber duckie, trying to convince the world that everyone is going to die without the chickenpox vaccine, makes me cringe with embarrassment for them, and seethe with anger at the people who actually believe it.

Getting a good case of the chickenpox naturally (as opposed to getting the vaccine) may provide a stronger, lifelong immunity. Getting the vaccine, however, exposes you to the dangers of the vaccine itself (which are unproven but still a risk) and studies have come to show that the vaccine itself isn't very effective. The "outbreaks" that Merck and others have been trying to use to "prove" that chickenpox is dangerous have occured, largely, in already vaccinated populations.*

Do people die from chickenpox? Yes. But it's extremely rare, and it happens primarily in the very young, the very old, and those whose immune systems are suppressed. And the truth is that no one dies from chickenpox itself - there is always a secondary complication, and it is often iatrogenic (i.e. doctor caused. For example, giving a child Ibuprofen/Nsaids during chicken pox has been shown to increase the risk of flesh-eating bacteria (necrotizing fasciitis) and strep toxic-shock, which are two of the major complications of chickenpox that can lead to death in the otherwise healthy.)*

Merck itself characterized chickenpox as a "benign, self-limiting disease." And yet we're vaccinating all school-aged children? Why, again? Oh right... because we make billions from the vaccines given, and we have access to those children and can strong-arm parents into believing it's required! Like the Hepatitis-B vaccine given to newborns (which serves no purpose except to guard against the possibility they may grow up to be sexually active, IV drug users) the chickenpox vaccine serves no real purpose (except as protection against the 1-2 week vacation from school!)

Dr. Mercola makes a good point, actually, that a strong natural immunity against chickenpox, which is a version of the herpes virus, may protect children later in life from those types of viruses that could cause MS, AIDS, Bell's Palsy, or even cervical/penile cancer. (Oh, but wait, they've developed a vaccine against that, too, haven't they? I wonder if the chickenpox vaccine will cause a rise in herpes-related viruses?) *

One scary possible complication of the chickenpox vaccine itself is its limiting effects. We may be just prolonging the inevitable. Adults may end up the ones who get chickenpox (when it's called "shingles" and is a living hell compared to the childhood version!) and many more people die from shingles than they do from chickenpox. *

So for those of you who think I'm crazy or irresponsible for thinking about exposing my children to chickenpox on purpose, all I have to say is, do your own research. Look outside the box (i.e. outside of mainstream big-pharma studies.) If I'd continued to homeschool, I'm sure a "pox party" is just where they would have contracted chickenpox, but thankfully, school took care of that worry for me.

We've got the pox!

I've got a spotty, itchy little boy (and a girl who's already got the runny nose/fever starting) who I'm dosing with cat's claw, olive leaf, echinachea, burdock and nettle... instead of Ibuprofen.

He's already taken a bath in colloidal oatmeal along with herbals (calendula, nettle, lavender.) And of course, we're avoiding sugar (feeds that virus!) and eating lots of plain yogurt!

Now I just have to plan my own pox party... anyone else need the pox?

Happy Valentine's Day

2008-02-15T16:25:00.004-05:00

The littles had a blast at their school Valentine's Day party. We spent an hour organizing and having them fill out Valentine's for everyone in their class. They were very proud of themselves!

Then they come home to Valentine's Day presents from grandma and mom & dad:

And older sister Autumn made them Valentine's and one for mom, too!

Me, I got organic gardening lessons (woot!) a box of chocolate and a huge bag of M&M's.

The green ones. Just the green ones. Michael handed them over and said, "You remember what they used to say about the green ones?"

I laughed. "Well, I know what you want for Valentine's Day!"

I'm pretty sure the card I gave him came in a solid second... :)

Thursday Thirteen #22: 13 Hearts

2008-02-14T01:01:00.001-05:00

13 Hearts

1.

2.

3.

4.=

10.

11.

12.

13.

HAPPY VALENTINE'S DAY!

SEE MORE THURSDAY THIRTEENS HERE

Wordless Wednesdays: February 13, 2008

2008-02-13T00:01:00.000-05:00

MORE WORDLESS WEDNESDAYS HERE

Post Secret

2008-02-08T06:30:00.000-05:00

I read Post Secret.

I have never submitted one.

But I've made them.

Here's one:

Here's another:

Thursday Thirteen #21: 13 Things We Don't Do Much Anymore

2008-02-07T05:08:00.000-05:00

13 Things We Really Don't Do Much Anymore

1. Wait an hour for a baked potato to cook in the oven

2. Call “Weather”

3. Call “Information”

4. Re-fold a road map (thank you Mapquest!)

5. Get “Trip Ticks” from AAA (thank you again Mapquest!)

6. Shop from catalogs (Can you say "Ebay?")

7. Make sure I have enough cash in my purse on Friday before the bank closes

8. Go to drive-in movies

9. Get up to turn the dial to change the channel on the TV

10. Dial a rotary phone

11. Let the kids ride in the back of a pickup truck

12. Send the ten-year-old to the corner store to buy cigarettes for their parents (Did anyone else's mom and dad do this?)

13. Buy penny candy that actually costs a penny

See More Thursday Thirteens HERE

Wordless Wednesday: February 6, 2008

2008-02-06T17:51:00.000-05:00

MORE WORDLESS WEDNESDAYS HERE

Garden Behind

2008-02-05T14:04:00.000-05:00

Apparently, I'm behind in my gardening. In February.

FEBRUARY!?

Huh!?

I guess I'm supposed to be planting seeds right now inside the house, so I can transplant them later. Get a jump on the growing season and all. I'm in Zone 5B - which, according to this calendar (different state, same zone) means I'm behind.

I just ordered my seeds today. Hurry, little seeds, hurry! Now I have to go out and buy stuff to plant them in... sheesh. This whole gardening thing is... like... work! ;)

Reminds me of that Gone With the Wind line, "You're not sorry you stole, you're just sorry you got caught!" I want the garden... but do I have to do all the work!? *whine*

Where's the Little Red Hen when you need her?

Speaking of chickens... Michael is already gathering tools to build our coop. Guess I'll have to start looking into chickens soon, too. Maybe we're behind on that, too, who knows!

Such a big learning curve... eek!

Here's what will, theoretically, be growing in our garden this spring...

Broccoli Raab Seed

Oliver Brussels Sprout Seed

Snowball Y Cauliflower Seed

Marketmore Cucumber Seed

Jericho Romaine Lettuce Seed

Bloomsdale Long Standing Spinach

Early Jersey Wakefield Cabbage Seed

Celebrity Tomato Seed

Danvers Carrot Seed

Conquistador Celery Seed

Walla Walla Onion Seed

Ariane Pepper Seed

Camarosa Strawberry Crowns

Hearts of Gold Melon Seedling

Cross your fingers!

Super Remote!

2008-02-04T07:11:00.000-05:00

It's a bird...

It's a plane...

No...

It's Super Remote!

It just told me - right on my TV screen:

"Remote Battery Is Low."

Niiiiiiiiice!

What will they think of next!?

Hole In Your Head

2008-02-03T07:56:00.000-05:00

Dmitri: I have eight holes in my head.

Me: Eight?

Daddy: Look, Dmitri... (holding up his fingers one by one) one mouth, two ears, two nostrils, two eyes... how many is that.

Dmitri: (scoffing - like, "I'm not stupid, Dad!") Seven.

Me: Not eight.

Dmitri: (looking all proud) You forgot one.

Me: Oh?

Dmitri: You know, that hole in the back of your head where your hair goes in?

Huh? Michael and I exchanged glances. Dmitri rolled his eyes, turned around and pointed to the back of his head.

Dmitri: Look!

Ohhhhhhh!

If You Take a Mouse to School

2008-02-02T09:02:00.000-05:00

Dmitri: There was a mouse in our school!
Daddy: A mouse! What grade was he in?
Dmitri: Umm... our grade
Daddy: A mouse in kindergarten! Did he sit by you?
Dmitri: (laugh) No!

Daddy: Can he count to 100 like you?
Dmitri: (laugh) No! Dad! My teacher screamed like a little teeny baby!
Daddy: Did you scream?
Dmitri: No! (scoff) I’m a brave mouse boy.

Happy Birthday Mom

2008-02-01T09:22:00.000-05:00

My mother is an Aquarian - like me. Sometimes I forget that, but she's just as open-minded and spiritually oriented as I tend to be. She's also just as much of an introvert and a dreamer.

My mother was born in 1937 - which makes her 71 today. She was named Yvonne Cecile, after two of the Dionne Quintuplets.

The following is a picture of three generations. My mother is the baby. That's her mother (my grandmother) on the left and her grandmother (my great-grandmother) on the right.

What I remember my mother telling me about her childhood:

Her younger brother, David, was a pain, but she loved him anyway. He was a redhead (which is probably where I get my red hair) and constantly in trouble. My mother hated the shape of her nose and the shape of her body. My grandmother made dessert every single night of the week.

When my mother was fifteen, she dropped out of school to help her mother take care of my uncle Mike, who was born with a birth defect. His skull bones were fused together - he had no soft spot - and so his brain couldn't grow. Today, there would be an operation to help him. Back then, there was nothing, and so his brain couldn't grow inside of his skull and he ended up at the level of a 10-12 year old. She stayed home to help her mother with the baby and never finished school.

In her late teen years, she was in a very serious accident when she was riding in a pickup truck and the door flew open. She was sitting in the passenger seat and was thrown from the vehicle. As a result, she's worn false teeth her whole life.

She married young, had children young. She was essentially a single mother for a long time, raising four small children. When she got pregnant with a fifth, she decided to give it up for adoption. A year later, her youngest child, Denise, was killed while crossing the street between two parked cars.

Eventually, she was divorced, and married my father. I'm their only child. They're still married.

(I was pouting because I wanted to hold the baby - my niece!)

When I think about my mother, I remember:

*The only job I think she ever had was working in my Uncle David's meat market. For most of my childhood, she was a stay-at-home mother.

*She always took off her shirt and vacuumed in her bra

*She read romance novels like they were candy.

*She took very, very long, steamy hot baths.

*She loved Tootsie Rolls and Better Made potato chips.

*But she hated peas and spinach.

*She always sat with one leg and foot curled underneath her. I do, too.

*Sometimes she put my hair in those pink-snap sponge curlers. They hurt to sleep in and made me look like Shirley Temple.

*After my baths, she would always use a blowdryer on me. Then she would inhale the fresh, clean scent of my hair.

*At night, she always tucked me into bed.

*She made the best barbeque chicken wings ever.

*She listened to lots of Neil Diamond and Jim Croce.

*She made great homemade applesauce.

*She had a hip replacement when I was in middle school - she has debilitating arthritis.

*She smoked those long brown cigarettes that looked like skinny cigars - Mores.

*She taught me how to crochet.

*She let me make tents with blankets and clothespins and sleep in them - in and out of the house.

*She let me keep hampsters, gerbils, rats, and once, a pigeon and a baby sparrow.

*She loved to sing. Especially when she was cleaning.

*She kept practically everything I ever drew or wrote.

*She framed a poem I wrote her for her birthday when I was fourteen. She still has it.

*She liked peppermint schnapps and amaretto but didn't drink very often.

*When I started writing, she listened to me read everything I wrote out loud, a chapter at a time, and always praised and encouraged me.

*She babysat my first daughter for several years during the day while I went to college classes to earn my degree

*She let me sleep in the livingroom in front of the fan when it was hot.

*Whenever I crossed the street when I was little (I wasn't allowed) she panicked and freaked out. Frankly, I thought she was overreacting, and it took me years to realize it was because she'd lost a child that way.

*She made all the food for my first wedding.

*She always lamented that I genetically got her nose.

Top, L-R: My mother, my sister in law Susie, my sister Diana

Bottom, L-R: me, my nephew Ronnie, my niece Jennifer

Very Bottom: our dog, Patches

Me and my mother at my sister, Diana's, wedding

My mother and my daughter, Autumn

My mother - Christmas 2007

Y Happy Birthday, Mom! Y

Thursday Thirteen #20: 13 Things I Miss in the Winter

2008-01-31T01:59:00.000-05:00

13 Things I Miss in the Winter

1. Sandals

(Photo Credit: Damgaard)

2. Cherries

(Photo Credit: Bolt of Blue)

3. Fresh lemonade

(Photo Credit: Mewtate)

4. Open windows

(Photo Credit: Karenwithak)

5. Birds

(Photo Credit: Miichan)

6. The sound of crickets

(Photo Credit: dolomitico)

7. Swimming

(Photo Credit: lookin glass)

8. Bonfires and s'mores

(Photo Credit: wallyg)

9. Longer days

(Photo Credit: skipsteuart)

10. Green leaves and green grass

(Photo Credit: tobym)

11. Thunderstorms

(Photo Credit: Chrisirmo)

12. Lightning bugs/Fireflies

(Photo Credit: Jamelah)

13. Wearing sunglasses

(Photo Credit: CTD 2005)

Wordless Wednesday: January 30, 2008

2008-01-30T00:07:00.000-05:00

MORE WORDLESS WEDNESDAYS HERE!

Linky Lovefest

2008-01-29T10:05:00.000-05:00

Since I read Buck Naked Politics' Thursday Thirteen on how to increase your blog traffic (and giving them dutiful linkie love for it!) I'm a re-thinking the whole blogroll thing.

I mean, why do we blog in the first place? I created the blog to connect with friends and family, kind of let them know what was going on in our lives. But now I find I have more strangers reading my blog than family and friends. Not that I mind. It's kinda cool. Since I've started reading other people's blogs, I've found some really interesting people and ideas. Always a good thing.

So really what we blog for is to be read. There are literally millions of blogs, and there's only so much room at the top. Not that I aspire to the top or anything... but more readers? Sure, why not. Everybody loves comments, right? (Or am I the only comment whore out there? Come on... I can't be!)

So I'm putting a call out to all ya'll who read this blog and write one of your own. Let's exchange some linky love! If you want to be on my blogroll, sign your name in Mr. Linky below (and put your blog link, of course). Put me on your blogroll, and I'll put you on mine (as long as you're not doing anything illegal or too Republican! *grin*)

So join the little Linky Love fest below! (And what's wrong with a little linkie whoring, I ask you? It's free love for all! Let's share it! ;)
-------------------
EDITED TO ADD: I'm going to leave "Linky Lovefest" at the top for a while, to see if anyone else wants to join the blogroll... so sign up! :)

EDITED AGAIN TO ADD: I've added all to my blogroll who I found linked to me. I've you've linked to me but aren't on my blogroll, please let me know and send me a copy of the link. Thanks!

Bedwetting

2008-01-29T08:05:00.000-05:00

Do boys take longer than girls to night train? I can't remember...

Dmitri is still wetting the bed every night. And in spite of a Pull-Up, he ends up leaking at least twice a week, which means more laundry. I can't wait to stop buying Pull-Ups - and changing sheets.

Anyone have any ideas?

We tried putting him in underwear and letting him sleep on an airmattress on the floor (easier to clean up) but that didn't work. He just wet the bed anyway, even after several nights of giving it a try.

He's getting to the point of being embarrassed about it, although we're careful to be encouraging and supportive. He wants to stop. I wish I knew how we could help!

Spelling Bee

2008-01-28T09:01:00.000-05:00

Our local school's mascot is the yellowjacket. Mostly because there are a million of them around here in the summer time. The kids, of course, just think it's a bee. There are bees everywhere around the school - cartoon pictures taped on cinderblock walls, stuffed bees lined up in display cases.

Dmitri got a note mailed home from his teacher saying, "Bee proud, your child counted to 89 today!" A bee was prominently displayed on the front. Zoe got the same one from her teacher, "Bee proud, your child counted to 100 today!" When they got home and I showed them their postcards, they danced around with them.

"B-E-E... that spells 'bee!'" Dmitri showed me. "I can spell bee. I'm a spelling bee. Bzzzzzzz!"

Zoe said, "The big kids do a spelling bee at school."

I suddenly flashed back to my own sixth grade spelling bee. I missed the word "iceberg." Spelled it with a "u."

"Do they, Mom?" Dmitri asked

"Yep." I nodded.

He scrunched up his nose like he does when he's confused. "They fly around and spell?"

Both of the littles started giggling at the thought.

"No. A spelling bee just means they take turns spelling words until they miss one. The one who hasn't missed any words wins."

"Why do they call it a spelling BEE?" Dmitri asked. "B-e-e!"

Because it stings, I thought. "I'm not sure... But I like your kind of spelling bee better, 'Mitri."

He started flying and buzzing again. "Me, too!"

One of These Things Is Not Like The Other...

2008-01-27T09:40:00.000-05:00

The littles have found all the "workbooks" mixed in with the coloring books and have spontaneously started working on completing them. They're interested in numbers and letters now, so the workbooks have come onto their radar.

The other day, Dmitri was doing a "matching" game in one of them. On one side of the page, there was a picture of a bucket - the kind with the handle a little kid takes to the beach. On the other side were two pictures: an inflatable swim ring and a chicken.

"Bucket..." Dmitri said thoughtfully, frowning. "Goes with..."

I glanced over and saw the pictures he was considering: inflatable swim ring or chicken?

"Bucket goes with chicken!" He smiled proudly as he circled the hen.

I couldn't help but laugh.

I think we need to stop eating out at KFC. :D

Brusha Brusha Brusha

2008-01-26T00:11:00.000-05:00

I saw Joan Lunden on The View the other day. (Hey, I was folding laundry and there was nothing else on, okay!?) Apparently, having seven children and being in the media spotlight makes her a great spokesperson for the American Dental Association. She wants to get out the word about dental health, which is great and all, but she suggested that parents stop giving bottled water to their children - why?

Because it doesn't contain fluoride.

woppitywoppitywoppity <--sound of my head shaking in disbelief

I don't care how many kids Ms. Lunden has - she is seriously misinformed about fluoride and just fed that misinformation to millions of viewers. Way to go, Joan!

Fluoride is toxic, even in small amounts. You're supposed to call poison control if your child digests more than a pea-sized bit of toothpaste! The ADA actually has stopped recommending using fluoridated water to make infant formula, because studies have shown that giving fluoride to babies whose teeth are just forming causes dental fluorisis - white, yellow and brown spotted and pitted enamel.

(Now if they'd just stop recommending formula altogether...!)

Think fluoride is good for you? Well read on:

"The fluoride added to 90% of the drinking water is hydrofluoric acid, which is a compund of fluorine that is a chemical byproduct of aluminum, steel, cement, phosphate, and nuclear weapons manufacturing. Such fluoride is manmade. In this form, fluoride has no nutrient value whatsoever. It is one of the most caustic of industrial chemicals. Fluoride is the active toxin in rat poison and cockroach powder. Hydrofluoric acid is used to refine high octane gasoline, to make fluorocarbons and chlorofluorocarbons for freezers and air conditioners, and to manufacture computer screens, florescent light bulbs, semiconductors, plastics, herbicides -- and toothpaste. It also has the ability to burn flesh to the bone, destroy eyes and sear lungs so that victims drown in their own body fluid." *

Yikes!

Of course, now you're going to say, "But they've been putting fluoride in our water for over fifty years now! It has to be safe! And hasn't the rate of tooth decay gone down?"

Yes. But remember, correlation does not equal causation. Studies done by the World Health Organization have actually shown that tooth decay has decreased at the same rate in countries whether water was fluoridated or not. Other studies have also shown that rates of tooth decay haven't gone up when fluoride was taken out of the water (and sometimes - the rate of decay even goes down!)

On top of it's ineffectiveness, fluoride is still being added to our water, our vitamins, processed foods, soda, tea, you name it. What is it doing to our bodies? It penetrates teeth, yes... but guess what? It also penetrates and stays in our bones. Yummy! Fluoride is actually contributing to osteoporosis. Studies have shown that it may be lowering fertility rates and interfering with the production of melatonin (it's a hormone that helps regulate the onset of puberty.) It also depresses the immune system by suppressing antibody formation and may increase the risk of cancerous tumors.

Many European countries have banned the use of fluoride altogether, and there are actually few countries that use fluoridation. The science behind this mass dosing of our entire country with a potentially toxic substance is not only dubious - it's highly unethical.

So why is it still being used in the U.S.? I bet you've already guessed. Money! Fluoridation is a multi-billion dollar industry, and thanks to Joan Lunden, now even more sheeple will have their belief in the whitewashed version of the truth about fluoride in our drinking water reinforced. Thanks, Joan!

I will say this - I'm glad we're on a system with well water now. My water isn't bleached and chlorinated and stripped of all its nutrients. We're not being exposed to fluoride anymore through our skin, in the shower, in our cooking water. And we drink bottled, filtered water - with no added fluoride, and use unfluoridated toothpaste.

I'm angry with Joan for spouting the party line and I feel bad for her seven kids. Elizabeth Hasselbeck went on and on about how Joan was such a good mother, and a shining example for all mothers out there. I couldn't help rolling my eyes and swearing at the television. Look, if you want to really be a good mother, do your research. Don't follow mainstream ideas just because they're mainstream. Don't do everything your doctor tells you, just because they say so.

The truth really IS out there.

You just have to open your eyes and look.

BOB Books

2008-01-25T10:07:00.000-05:00

The kids are reading! Actually reading! I love this part :)

We bought them the first three series of BOB books for Christmas. I actually learned about these books ages ago when a good friend recommended them to me for the older kids. Her child was a year ahead of my oldest and was doing well learning to read with them.

The great thing about these books is that once they know their basic letters and sounds, they can sound out the words in the Bob Books quite easily and then have the satisfaction of saying, "I read it all by myself!" It's so great to see the excited, proud look on their faces.

Now we play a game on the way to school every day: "How Do You Spell?" I say a word: rat, cat, pig, dog, and they sound out the word and try to spell it. I'm amazed at how quickly they're learning, how it's all just sort of bloomed wide open in the past year.